K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
