If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
