Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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