My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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