Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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