I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
