I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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