This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're using joints as your birthday candles
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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