I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
