well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
