I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
