I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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