Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In America we eat man semen.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
