It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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