She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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