He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I have so many feelings about this burrito
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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