everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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