I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i think i have herpe
just one?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
