got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
