12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
