Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
