he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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