I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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