I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I didn't shave. On purpose
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
