There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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