just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
