if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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