My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
