I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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