I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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