hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
