I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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