I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
