Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
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