Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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