I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
