Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
