sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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