I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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