she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
