My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Randomize
