I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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