he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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