Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
