the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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