I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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