Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
