I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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