I wish my penis had an off switch
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
