hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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