it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
