you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We are two peas in an std pod
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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