my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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